There was a time when everything the world had to offer seemed available to me.

But the decisions we make to go in one direction close off avenues in others.

Economists call this opportunity cost.

What would have happened if I had gone to the University of Maryland instead of UConn?

What would have happened if I studied more or partied at all?

What would have happened if I had gone to grad school instead of taking that first job out of college?

Where would I be today?

 

Perhaps I would never have married.

Perhaps I would never have had children.

Perhaps I would never have known their love, or

Perhaps I would never know the pain of losing my wife to cancer.

Perhaps.

 

What would have happened if I had never met Lisa?

What would my life look like now?

Would I be even madder than I am now?

Would I even be here?

 

Perhaps I would never have left Rhode Island.

Perhaps I would never have left the island.

Perhaps my world would have remained small and I would have remained closed off.

Perhaps it would have been nicer that way.

Perhaps.

 

But while there is always pain in expanding ones horizons, there is often no choice in the matter.

Activism reaches out and grabs some.

And in spite of all of the pain I have both endured and caused,

I would never wish I had not met Lisa.
I would never wish I did not have my children.

I would never wish that I hadn’t been born at this time and in this place.

Never.

 

And now I stand at a crossroad.

The path I choose will carry me for the rest of my life.

I hope to have my children with me always, even when they are far away with their own families.

I hope to find peace internally for the rage and guilt I feel following Lisa’s death.

I hope to find peace externally in dealing with the issues facing the world.

I hope to never stop learning, to never stop reading.

I hope to continue that which is deemed positive.

And I hope to jettison that which I feel is negative.

I hope.

 

I promise to try.