“We’re number one! Pretense is gone; the humans are gone.”

Atlantic Ocean- It became official this afternoon with the death of Byron Chase, the eleven-year-old from Middletown, Rhode Island. Dolphins are the apex of intelligence on planet Earth. Following millennia of dominance (and arrogance), humans became extinct today. Famous for their technological advances and equally noted for their ferocity, humans perished in the relative flick of a flipper following their mishandling of the coronavirus.

Before official celebrations begin, let us take a moment to recount the passing of humans. The coronavirus started in 2019 and quickly spread to an unsuspecting populace, racing around the globe ignoring human governmental delineation lines or, as they called them, “countries.” As air breathers, humans found that the virus spread through particulate exhaled through their dual respiratory system of nose and mouth from one human to another. Their most educated in medicine and science determined fabric placed in front of these orifices would reduce the expectorant sprayed. However, it quickly became evident that a significant portion of the population decided their “internet” research, and graduation from the “school of hard knocks” placed them on par with the physicians and scientists. Unfortunately, this misstep began the fatal infection and death toll culminating in the loss of young Mr. Chase.

When physicians and scientists created a vaccine to save humanity, only a portion of them chose to receive the gift. Remote areas or areas without the infrastructure to distribute vaccines could not be protected. In affluent “countries” (especially the United States), a portion of their populace simply chose not to become inoculated, leading to the rapid progression of virus variants. These mutations rapidly spread throughout the unvaccinated populations leading the strained medical system to collapse.

The execution of Anthony Fauci, MD, in January of 2022, following the rise of Republicans and their control of both the House of Representatives and the United States Senate in the midterm elections, tripped the switch for so many in the medical field. His court conviction of “treason,” as read out by new Speaker of the House (and former President) Donald J. Trump led swiftly to Fauci’s execution on pay-per-view television on Fox News on the National Mall (and sponsored by Trump 2024, the Republican National Committee, and Brandon Funeral Home and Crematorium).

Immediately after this telecast, seemingly overnight, physicians, nurses, scientists, and hospital staff failed to show up to work, their homes abandoned, and their cars were gone. No record of them was ever found. There have long been rumors of them escaping to an Ayn Randian panacea of intellectuals. However, any enclaves discovered were quickly shut down and merged with those in hospital intensive care wards. Forced to live among the unvaccinated and infected, the professional staff and their families, without the protection of masks or air filtration of any kind, saw their ranks dwindle and succumb to the virus.

It appears that most of the unvaccinated, despite cognitive awareness (and mirrors), were unaware of the two methods of respiration. Countless depictions were seen in grocery stores, airports, and even hospitals, of humans begrudgingly wearing a mask somewhat over their mouth but hanging well below their noses. It remains a mystery how all humans did not understand the basics of tidal breathing.

The collapse of the medical system accelerated the demise of humans in late 2022 with the rise of the newest variant. No longer following the Greek alphabet to name variants, because, as Speaker Trump said, “This is America, and that’s all Greek to me,” the new variant was simply called the Newest-er China (Jina) Virus.

Manufacturers could no longer produce vaccine boosters with the elimination of physicians and scientists, and there was no one left to administer them. Chief Medical Officer Joe Rogan declared vaccines unnecessary because he believed that getting (and surviving) the virus gave you better protection. It was never fully explained how, in a chicken and the egg scenario, one was to be protected from the virus before contracting it if one had to contract it to be protected. Mr. Rogan died shortly after that when a dumbbell crushed his skull while exercising in his garage.

You will recall Vice President Ted Cruz and Secretary of Health and Some Human Services Rand Paul held the great mask burning bonfire on the National Mall leading to the conflagration that burned most of downtown Washington, DC. It was then, with most of the congress choking on the smoldering smoke, that democrats met to decide whether to create an online petition to discuss thinking about maybe considering a proclamation to create a list of possible strongly worded Tweets. However, it was ultimately killed, both by the passing of most democrats to the virus and then-Senator Joe Manchin of West Virginia, who said, “The use of certain words being considered in the possible Tweets were problematic.” Senator Manchin later died choking on his words. Vice President Cruz died onboard a plane when his wife beat him to death for a perceived slight made years earlier. Their flight to Cancun turned around for the funeral. Mr. Paul, a physician, died of an overdose of injected sunlight and bleach.

Death followed political affiliations and geographic voting patterns. The United States seemed to die from the inside out, beginning with the farmland and “true Americans” living away from the coasts. These mostly unvaccinated humans grew much of the food for the remaining American humans, and when they died, food became scarce. Coastal cities began rationing, and then, armed with righteous indignation and bibles, those remaining inland humans, self-titled “patriots,” shot and killed most of the coastal dwellers in a purge so fast there was neither resistance nor anyone remaining to call it a civil war. No charges were filed against anyone. Indeed, many of the killers were active military, law enforcement, or hunters dressed in camouflage to blend in with the steel and glass of downtown cities.

However, this purge was short-lived as the food supply dwindled and the virus ran unchallenged. Church services increased, eventually being mandated by Speaker Trump, who famously held up a bible (upside down) in front of a Taco Bell in West Palm Beach this past December. Evangelicals were on hand to wipe his mouth of drool and ketchup, genuflecting and chanting while supplicating themselves to the rotund man with the kelp-like hair. Mr. Trump died later that month trying to cough up a chicken wing. All three (recognized) Trump children, Eric, Don Jr., and Ivanka, were buried (alive) with Mr. Trump. Don Jr. was tied to his father’s corpse on his left side, Eric on his right side, and according to Mr. Trump’s wishes, Ivanka on top. Melania Trump was not in attendance for the funeral and was last seen running in Manolo heals out of the city wearing her “I really don’t care, do u?” jacket.

The remaining survivors died quickly after that, either through gunshots or the virus. The remaining portions of the world promptly claimed global dominance, primarily China. However, either through official public malpractice (or willful ignorance), mask and vaccine intransigence among portions of the populace, or geographic remoteness, the population of humans failed. Mr. Chase’s passing marks the end of all humans.

Reaction among the remaining mammals was met with applause and marked trepidation. Humans leave a rapidly warming planet through their inaction on climate change (and partially due to their arrogance and hubris). This intrepid dolphin is eager to explore areas of the ocean previously too cold (or dry) to inhabit. However, this enthusiasm is tempered by the ecological food chain collapse rising temperatures have set off. It is too early to tell whether the planet will survive.

This is a developing story. Check back later for further updates.